Dear Cheyanne,

      My mother and I are having an on-going disagreement about how to discipline my 3 year old.   When my child does something wrong I will use a firm voice and explain to my child what he did wrong. My mother feels that I am too “soft” and that I should be more aggressive in disciplining my child. Please help!

Signed: Big Softee

 

Dear Big Softee,      

      We should have expectations that most preschool children should be able to follow simple rules, listen to our directions, be able to wait for a reasonable amount of time for something they want or for their turn, and to begin to deal with the frustration of not getting their own way. However, we should also expect that our preschoolers will not be able to do these things all the time as they explore their environment, become more independent, begin to make decisions for themselves, and learn to get along with others. All preschoolers will misbehave at one time or another (some more than others). They may misbehave intentionally as they try to test their limits or their misbehavior may be the result of their natural high energy (resulting in disruptive behavior) or from their attempts to try new things and take risks (sometimes resulting in unsafe actions). Discipline is an adult’s way to try to teach their children that their behavior was not appropriate or not safe and to decrease the likelihood that the behavior will re-occur. There is no one way to disciple and one approach that might be successful in one situation may not be as effective in another situation. It is sometimes helpful to try to figure out why our preschooler has misbehaved in order to determine what discipline approach might be most effective. Was your child tired, hungry, or getting sick when the misbehavior occurred? Was your child jealous or seeking your attention as you were busy with other activities? Was your child frustrated as he/she attempted a new or difficult task? Remember even though your attention may be negative as you deal with the misbehavior it is still attention. For some children, any attention is reinforcing and can lead to an increase in the misbehavior, rather than decreasing it. By thinking of these factors you can become proactive in eliminating situations that lead to misbehaviors. One important rule of discipline is to do it in a calm and controlled way (often easier said than done). Yelling, hitting, or participating in a power struggle with your child increases the negative attention your child is receiving and also gives he/she the message that aggressive behavior is OK. As you deal with the behavior be clear about your expectations using clear and simple language (“we don’t throw food our food stays on our plate”). Apply consequences for misbehavior as soon as possible after the incident. Make punishments brief and be consistent is applying them. Determine which behaviors that you feel can be ignored or which only call for firm words. Use more serious punishments for those behaviors that are more persistent, serious, or important in your family. Utilize natural consequences whenever possible. For example, if your child has thrown food, help your child clean up the mess they have made. If the behavior persists, losing snacks or dessert that day may be appropriate. If your child refuses to help clean up their toys, those toys might be put away and can’t be played with for a few days. Other discipline methods might include removal of privileges (a favorite TV show or video might be lost for a day) or using time out (remember the rule-one minute of time out for every year of your child’s age). As you can see, there are no firm rules for when and how to discipline. However, discipline can be an effective deterrent for behaviors that need to be changed because they are unsafe, disruptive, or maladaptive. Discipline needs to be firm, consistent, and delivered in calm and controlled way. Discussion about the behavior should occur at a time when you are ready to be calm and your child is ready to listen. Remember to express that you still love your child, but you don’t like the behavior. So as you can see, both you and your mother were right about discipline. The hard part is deciding what and how to discipline in order to help your child grow and develop into the type of person you want them to be.

Until next time,

Cheyanne