Dear Cheyanne,

    My grandfather is not doing well and the prognosis is not good.  My three year and a half year old has had the gift of his great-grandfather’s presence in his life on a regular basis. Until his recent illness, he was an active man who loved to spend time playing, taking walks, and spending time with his great-grandson. I am very worried about my son’s reaction when “grampy” dies and what to tell him. He already is asking questions about where grampy is (in the hospital) and when will he be home to play.

Signed: Sad and Worried

 

Dear Sad and Worried:

Talking about death and dying is very difficult for anyone when they are in the midst of their own sorrow and grief. It is also very difficult to discuss this topic with very young children in order for them to understand what is happening. It is appropriate for you to be worried at this time and a very good idea to be thinking about what to say should your grandfather die. If possible, broaching the subject through an experience not personally associated with your family would be one way to help your son come to terms about death. For example, discussing death when you come across a dead insect or animal may be a way to very gently introduce the topic. However, it is important to keep these opportunities brief and very to the point, making the distinction about being alive and now being dead. If your child begins the ask questions about death please understand that there are no perfect answers, but you do not want to ignore the questions and there are some things you do not want to say. Telling a youngster that the person who has died is “sleeping” gives the child the impression that they will wake up and everything will return to normal. Even using the term, “passed away” or “has gone away” or is “resting in peace” can be confusing. Give brief, simple answers as young children can’t handle too much information. Explaining that the person’s body has stopped working because they were very old or sick and can no longer eat, run, play, or sleep anymore are terms that a young child can begin to understand. You might want to explain that there are lots of different ways people are sick and sometimes if it is very bad, they can’t get better. Reassure children that if she gets sick or that you get sick it doesn’t mean that you or he will die. Know that young children may ask the same questions over and over and your repetition of the same information will be comforting to them. Though your preschooler is too young to attend a wake, funeral, or memorial service they do need concrete ways to mourn the loss. Making an album of favorite pictures of the loved one, drawing pictures of favorite activities done together, lighting a candle and singing a song, and in some cases, going to the cemetery to bring flowers and say if prayer (if that is in line with your religious beliefs) may all be appropriate ways to mourn and grieve with your preschooler. Grieving is a necessary component of coming to terms with a death. Know that it is alright to cry and express your emotions in front of your preschooler. Explain that it is OK to be sad and that everybody, even adults can cry. Finally, do your best to keep to regular routines and schedules. These are what anchor all of us to our daily lives and responsibilities. Preschoolers will feel safe and secure knowing that they will keep going to daycare or nursery school. Preschoolers will continue to need and want their bedtime and morning routines. Some change in schedule is to be expected for a little while, but the faster things return to as normal a schedule as possible, the better it will be for all members of the family.

Take Care,    

Cheyanne